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From Cindy on April 11, 2012

Where do I begin?

Brennan’s MRI and CT came back rather fast for us. We hadn't even returned to our room for 15 min's before I had 3 of our doctors asking to go over scans to us. My heart fell that very moment and I have yet to be able to pick it back up. I'm shattered, I'm broken, I'm angry, I have been failed, Brennan has been failed. No amount of prayers have been able to help us reach an unobtainable goal.

Every tumor Brennan has had from his secondary cancer, the Sarcoma had significantly progressed. His abdominal tumor takes up his entire abdomen, its pushing more and more against his stomach which is why we continue to throw up, it has almost if not already invaded his pancreas, His liver "has more involvement" to the degree of which i don't know. but I do know just 3 weeks ago he only had 1 lesion on his liver that was only 1cm big. His lung tumor as well has progressed, again I didn't even care to ask how big. Size means nothing now in the life of my son. The most concerning problem is the 5mm(!) lesion he had in his brain 3 weeks ago has significantly progressed, causing a rather large bleed/clot on his brain causing allot of cranial pressure. We don't know if his Neuroblastoma has progressed because its pointless to even sedate him to find out when it changes nothing for Brennn.I was given my worst nightmare yesterday. Words I have feared with a passion this entire experience.

Brennan has NO more options.

There will be no chemo for Brennan this Thursday like we should have been starting. there will be no surgery for Brennan, no radiation.

NO NOTHING.

To give Brennan chemo would be automatic death sentence (even though he's nearing any anyway's) He's getting several transfusions just to keep his platelets above 100, if they drop, which they would with chemo his body wont be able to stop any kind of bleed. Today we met with Brennan’s team to discuss Brennan’s end of life care. I just cant believe I had to make the choices I was faced with today. I want so badly to do whatever it takes to prolong Brennan staying with us, but at the same time I don't ever want him to suffer. I don't want to be selfish and make the doctors revive Brennan should it ever come to that and make him live off machines, as much as I never wanna lose the choice to feel his warm body. I'm not ready to let the love of my life go, I never will be. Brennan for the last year exactly has been my entire existence. How do you even try and go on when the one reason for everything you have done is gone? how will I ever lay in bed again and be alone? There will come a day I wont have him to hold me at night. To nod his head yes when I ask if he's ready to pray, if he loves me. I'm not ready for the days when my only chance to see my son is in dreams or pictures. I just don't understand why this has to be my son’s fate. He has fought for his life longer than he has had the chance to be a normal baby. Brennan has lived his entire life in pain, even when he didn't even know. Brennan will never know how to crawl, say a sentence, a color. He has NEVER known the feel of grass beneath his feet. He hasn't never been given the chance to LIVE. This is the hardest thing for me to write.

My son was supposed to be someone.

 

Cancer is robbing him of this possibility.

 

Cancer is robbing his father of even knowing what its like to raise and have a healthy child. It is robbing him of the ease and fearless-ness every parent has when they plan or want children. Cancer will forever plague my family, my husband and most of all, my almost 9 year old daughter. Who at this moment just thinks this is routine hospital stay. She has no idea Brennan is nearing his end. No idea that when we come home, it'll be our last trip home from the hospital. My heart hurts for her unknown right now. The pain she will feel inside knowing her brother will one day be gone, and all we will have are pictures to hold and clothes to smell.

We have been failed. I feel completely failed right now. One or more gathered for Brennan and nothing was done to save him. Our prayers went unanswered, and we're left to live a life of emptiness and heartache.